The waiting game

The waiting game. It’s a game we play all our lives for millions of different reasons and it’s a game when the result can never be predicted.

Trying to get pregnant. The crippled-with-fear-every-second wait until the date of your expected period comes and goes, followed by the agonising two minute wait to see if there are two lines on the pregnancy test purchased in terrified excitement that morning.

Expectant mothers play the waiting game to welcome a new life into the world. The books tell us 280 days or 40 weeks, but head into any maternity hospital in the world and it will show you that it can be anywhere from 21 to 42 weeks. And, if you have been there, who can forget the anxiety as you wait to hear your baby make it’s first sound and hear the medical staff tell you that your child is healthy.

Life is the ultimate waiting game.

We wait for meals, we wait for sunrise, we wait for phone calls, we wait for sunsets, we wait for news, we wait for trains, trams, buses, aeroplanes, friends, family, television programs, heating, cooling, taxis, ubers, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, service, coffee, new teeth, loosing teeth, children to take their first step, children to say their first word, people to stop talking, rain to fall, rain to stop, the sun to come out, the heat to be over, the cold weather to arrive, the spring, the roses to bloom, the full moon, the computer to boot up, the light to come on, the shower to be the right temperature, the microwave to beep, the traffic lights to change, the cars to move, the Bulldogs to win a premiership, the first kiss, the first love, the first alcoholic drink, the engagement proposal, the wedding, the honeymoon, the romantic dinners, the fight to be over, the ‘please’, the ‘thank you’, the honesty, the understanding, the lemons to ripen on the tree, the tide to turn, the fish to bite, the fire to catch, the candle to melt, the hurt to pass, the smoke to clear, the exam to be over, the plaster to set, the starting pistol, the wound to heal, the results to be announced, the bleeding to stop, the bad haircut to grow out, the shift to be over, the battery to run out, the weekend, the extra kilo to be gone, the holiday to begin………………….

But the most unpredictable of all the waiting games is our life expectancy. There are those who never get the chance to take a breath in this world and those who continue to breathe until they have breathed longer than everyone they know.

It’s Russian Roulette. One day there is going to be a bullet in the barrel and that’s it…….. your waiting game with life is over. And nobody, not even you, knows when that day will come and what form the bullet will take.

So we play the game. We spin the barrel on the pistol.

We are the game.

Worn out

If you’ve seen the wonderful new movie “Bohemian Rhapsody” you may remember a little quote from Mary and Freddie’s perfect reply:

“You’re burning the candle at both ends,”

“Yes, but the glow is so divine!”

The glow is divine, but eventually all the wax is gone and there is nothing left.

I have been burning the candle at both ends. I’ve probably even broken the candle in half and have been burning both pieces at both ends. This week I, and the universe, realised that there was almost nothing left to burn and I was shown signs that I needed to take time out for me. Time to stop and be still.

I was noticing that I was simply ‘functioning’ in my day to day life. I’m not one to simply ‘function’. I participate. However, I think I had been participating in life to a point where there was too much participating and there was no time to stop either physically or mentally.

Circumstances (aka The Universe) intervened this week and plans that had been made were suddenly cancelled and plans that are usually made were not possible to be scheduled. I sensed that the universe was doing this on purpose. The universe was looking out for me. The old me would have ignored the signs and tried to cram things into the empty spaces in my calendar. The wiser me read the signs and agreed with the universe. It was time to take a breath.

I can’t remember the last time I sat on the couch and watched a DVD. You know, really just sat on the couch, not stood in front of the couch doing the ironing………..but I did just that on Thursday and Friday nights. Me, in my pyjamas, with the dogs and a cup of tea. Bliss.

The house was so still and quiet yesterday. No music, no TV, no phone calls, the street outside was quiet. The peace of the quiet was soothing. I hadn’t realised how jarred my senses were until they were allowed to rest.

There was something I was meant to go to in the late afternoon. I had RSVP’d in the affirmative, but by 3pm I knew that I didn’t want to leave the sanctuary of my home. Not only that I didn’t want to , but that I couldn’t and I shouldn’t. I knew in my soul that going out into the world yesterday would destroy the inner peace that was returning to me.

I needed to hibernate and re-centre. I needed to be selfish and look after me before my body forced me to stop, and I know from past experience that my body can be a right forceful bitch when she has something to say.

If you were to ask me what I did yesterday I couldn’t tell you. The hours between waking up and climbing into bed hold no thoughts of significance. But it doesn’t matter one iota. All I know is that I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed and alive than I have in a very long time.

I think I will make time for myself more often. I think we all should

Pushing the boulder back up the hill

I have never been so busy or happy yet I feel as thought I am trying to push a massive boulder back up a hill.

I made a conscious decision to make today about me. But not to pamper myself. On the contrary, today is about spending time cleaning up stuff . Email stuff. Photo stuff. Paperwork stuff.

Which is how I find myself still sitting at my computer at 3:45pm in my pyjamas and I feel as though I have barely scratched the surface of the stuff I need to do. There is so much stuff to do. Stuff. Stuff. STUFF!!!!

Maybe I should have written a list. Written it on the whiteboard…… or on an empty envelope……… or a piece of paper. The mental whiteboard has so much written on its surface that the words and tasks have begun to jumble.

A list on a physical surface would have given me something I could put lines through as each task is completed.

Have I completed anything today?

 

Red

The light is warm.

It is both sensual and comforting.

Though the vermilion light conjures up shameful thoughts of brothels and nefarious deeds, this is no ‘red light district’.

Relaxation and calm.

Gentle breath.

Close my eyes.

Peace.

Falling

The solid ground on which I stand has begun to rise and fall in unexpected undulations.

The atmosphere has changed and there is a sense of pressure and cloister.

If I look forward I see the circling vortex.

It will take but the slightest bump and I will fall in.

What will happen to me if I do?

Should I be afraid?

I don’t think that it is danger ahead, but that in itself it a clear sign that it is more dangerous than I could possibly imagine.

The possibilities invite.

I can feel the energy inside my brain building speed.

I am tipping forward.

Taking a fortifying breath I close my eyes and let myself fall into the unknown.

 

Time flies when you’re having fun

 

Remember how I asked that time not fly past so quickly? Well, I have been ignored.

Ten days have been lived since I last sat down to write a blog post. Ten. And I must say, that I have most definitely lived every one of those ten days. If I haven’t been at work, I have been out somewhere.

Last weekend was a blur.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am far too old to be crawling into bed at 4am, but I am ignoring myself as decidedly as time is ignoring my plea to slow down. After all, the only way to do a ‘White Night’ event is to be there till the end. My friends and I saw the sun rise on the morning that concluded White Night Melbourne. Fortunately for us, White Night Ballarat was over at 2am, but I still had the drive home to my friend’s house to contend with. Then, in our infinite wisdom, we traipsed around IKEA for the entire afternoon of the Sunday.

Another weekend GONE!!!!!

But you know what? I wouldn’t have traded those experiences for any wealth you could offer me. So I am a little bit tired. So I am a teeny bit behind with the washing. So I have lost track of what day it is…….

I have been out in the world with my dear friends and we have been living life to the full.

I’ll rest when I’m dead.

Just a bit busy

I have been just a teeny bit busy lately.

Flat out like a lizard drinking, really.

So busy, in fact, that I had to pass up Australia Day public holiday invitations because I had a lot of editing to finish and a bit of exhibition stuff to prepare.

Oh yes……..I’m having another exhibition. Smaller this time. In a cafe. But you still need to have stuff prepared. Fortunately I have all the images framed and ready to go. Most of them are from my exhibition in August, but there is a stunning new piece that I think people will love.  The pieces will be up for a whole month!! And being a cafe there are always people going in to eat and drink, so the shots will get a good viewing. Fingers crossed I sell a few more.

But the work that has kept me the most busy has been Midsumma. Combine that and my regular job and the wedding I shot the day before Midsumma Carnival and I haven’t had time to take a breath until today.

Oh…….and let’s throw in a last-minute visit to the Night Market for good measure…………

However, the wedding is all edited, all my Midsumma shots, so far, are edited and sent off and now all that’s left is Pride March on Sunday. THAT will be the big one. AND it’s going to be hot……ugly, humid, disgusting hot.

Thank goodness I have a lady coming to do the housework on Thursday. I hope she’s good. I am going to have her come once a fortnight if this week’s trial goes ok. I don’t have time to do everything, you know.

Can we move a bit slower in 2018?

It’s not that I want time to slow to a snail’s pace, it’s just that I wouldn’t mind if things slowed down a teeny tiny wee bit for me in 2018.

2017 disappeared much too quickly and I feel like I missed some of it. (Though I somehow managed to squeeze in a ridiculous amount of stuff)

This past year I was bombarded with life and opportunities too amazing to ignore. I didn’t ignore them, I did as much as humanly possible, but in the process there were things that got neglected. The housework, the house, the lawns, the dogs, the bills, the car, the grocery shopping, the laundry, the ironing……….. all these boring menial duties were ignored in favour of the exciting adventures that called.

Do I feel guilt and shame at my neglect? I do. But that guilt and shame is only there because I was raised to respect those menial tasks and duties. Doing those tasks is important, however, that importance cannot override the greater significance of the well-being created by experiencing new and wonderful things.

Honestly, the regret one feels at missing out on everything because ‘you have chores to do’ is simply not worth contemplating.

Been there……done that…….ain’t doing it again.

So as the year draws to a close, I have begun to reflect on what has passed. There are no regrets. Things are a bit blurry because of the speed at which everything happened…… but there are no regrets.

I only request that 2018 does not pass by at break-neck speed. Not snail’s pace…..just a bit slower please.

It starts with a thought………….

Nothing happens without the thought.

From that thought grows a concept.

From that concept develops a plan.

From that plan comes ideas.

From those ideas come structures.

 

………….And then anything is possible.

 

Blurry is how I would describe it.

I must never ever forget to take my little pink pill.

Doesn’t matter how late it is, or where I am, or what I’m doing, or how tired I’m feeling I must remember to swallow that little pill. The morning one and the evening one.

No excuses!!

I’m not talking about the contraceptive pill. Hell no!! I haven’t swallowed that soul-numbing, weight-gaining little bastard for years. Long live the condom!! (Except that the ones in my bedside drawer expired more than two years ago. Which just goes to show how much I’m NOT getting any and another reason why I don’t need the contraceptive pill)

I am talking about the little pink pill prescribed by my wonderful GP that has all but stopped me from having migraines. No migraines. Unless I stupidly neglect to take one, or purchase the generic brand. I did that once….purchased the generic. Migraines were back within days. And not just one. Apparently there can be a difference of 10% in the active ingredient in the generic. That’s why they are cheaper. But if you are on a low dose of something, as I am, that can mean the difference between being protected and being under-medicated.

I missed a tablet the other night. I was bloody exhausted and thought that it couldn’t possibly hurt after all this time. WRONG!!!!

By mid-afternoon yesterday I could feel the migraine starting. The neck was crunchy. The pressure points on my neck were screaming to be dealt with. The nausea began.

I lasted till 7:30pm when I crawled into bed to be as still as possible. I even had to move the dog as his gentle snores caused a vibration on the pillow that made the nausea grow. I awoke at around 3:45am, went back to sleep after a short while, woke again at 8:30am and had to contact a friend to cancel our plans, went back to sleep again and woke at 12:30pm. So I think that’s about 15 hours sleep.

Needless to say, the day has been a bit of a blur. Post-migraine always is. A feeling of disorientation. Even the picture I’ve chosen makes my head reel in horror.

And this wasn’t even a bad one for me. This was a 7.5. I’ve had the 10. I hate the 10.

It’s the lack of energy following a migraine that I hate.  Not knowing what to do with myself and feeling like I’m getting in my own way.

Maybe I’ll just go and watch the movie I was going to watch last night. And paint my toenails.

And take my little pink pill and go to bed because 15 hours sleep is just not enough.