Made me ponder.

How incredible and terrifying to hear a 22 year old person say that the thing they were most proud of was the fact that they were still alive.

My heart stopped for a moment because I had, just moments before, watched this young person perform in front of a couple of hundred people so confidently and passionately.

This beautiful, passionate, creative, strong, dynamic and captivating being had almost given up on everything numerous times in their short life.

It breaks my heart to think that there are so many people who, after years of inner torment, decide that not ‘being’ is their only choice. Young or old, the agony of living is more than they can cope with.

I don’t know why, who or how the help needed arrived for this individual, I can only be grateful that it did because there were some wonderfully thought-provoking moments during the performance on Thursday night. These were moments that were made to be expressed by this artist. They were hers and hers alone.

Was it really two years ago?

I honestly can’t believe how far my life has come in two years. From the depths of despair to being in love with life.

I am reminiscing a little bit because yesterday I drove to Lorne, on the magical Great Ocean Road, for the Sculpture Biennale. As you may have guessed, the Biennale is held every second year and in 2016 when I attended I was being consumed by a bout of depression that had just begun. I was in a really bad place.

I was a total mess and was doubting myself and my instincts. I had hurt me and someone I cared about deeply through my fears and insecurities and in turn that ate away at everything that was me and sent me into a sickeningly fast spiral of depression.

Yesterday I returned to Lorne a different person to the one who was there in 2016.

Yesterday, the Suzanne who walked from one end of the Lorne foreshore to the other (and back again) was a confident, happy, relaxed, smiling and positive Suzanne.

I will admit to a few nerves as the car sped closer to Lorne. There were more that a few “What if’s….?” vying for my mental attention, but they were soon dispelled as the magnificent day, my travelling companion and the incredible turquoise ocean beckoned my thoughts in other directions.

I’m lucky. I can sit here today and see how much my life has turned around in two years. My heart breaks for those for whom the spiral of depression is so bad they choose death over life. That was never an option to me. Not matter how terrible I felt, I still preferred the chance of hope and happiness. And I am full of hope and brimming with happiness right now. A tad pissed off that it has taken me till I am fifty to get to this point, but better late than never.

Today I am more than ready to walk up the steps and onto the stage that is my life.

 

 

Swings and roundabouts.

A lot can happen in a year.

One’s world can be turned upside down in an hour.

One day you can be experiencing the most incredible joy and less than a week later you can be in the grip of soul-destroying depression.

Easter 2016 was one I will not quickly forget. There are 8 weeks of 2016 that were the happiest I have ever known, but like the swing that goes up, the forces of nature must bring that swing back down and my world came crashing down with it. But like the swing, with enough momentum the swing does go up again, often higher than the first time.

I wouldn’t say that I am swinging higher than the last time I sat in the swing-seat, but I would suggest that there is a force giving my swing the momentum it needs to rise. Or have I swapped to the roundabout where something is pushing me with the energy to make me smile broadly as the world begins to blur with the speed at which I am travelling.

Because the world is a blur for me. Things are happening so quickly that I can barely keep up. Opportunities to expand and grow as a person and as a photographer have begun to knock at my door.

I have no choice but to buckle up and hold on for the ride.

Last Easter I thought I was about to embark on the journey of my life. Sadly that did not happen, but it did become the path from which my current journey evolved.

A path with no clearly defined lines. Lots of turns and changes of direction.

Like swings and roundabouts.

 

 

It’s all about seizing the moments

I cannot even begin to tell you about the week I have just had.

If anybody had said to me on Monday morning that I would be meeting incredible photographers and doing a nude model shoot in an abandoned building by the Sunday, I would have laughed in their face.

And to think that this time last year I was virtually a basket case, going through a debilitating bout of depression.

I don’t quite know where all this good fortune is coming from, but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. There is a reason for what is happening to me. It is not clear right now but I’m certain that the good-fortune angels will advise me in their own good time.

There is nothing for it, but to grab these moments and opportunities with both hands and to soak up the experiences and learning that will come from them.

What is it with March?

I think it’s related to the time of the year. Once again it is March and I sense an unease and edginess that I find very uncomfortable.

I got married in March. My marriage finally ended in March. I have been known to have total brain-fades and sign up on internet dating sites in March. I feel most alone in March. This time last year was the high before the incredible crash.

Why March?

Is it a post-Valentine’s Day hangover?

Is it the changing from Summer to Autumn?

Is it related to the marriage and the subsequent marriage failure?

At least I have been able to recognise it now for what it is. My seasonal ebb and flow. I see it, I acknowledge it and I refuse to be controlled by it.

I may feel like the puppy in the picture…………….moving forward but a bit unsure of everything around me and feeling nervous that I may get stomped on………..but I will push through it because this feeling will not last forever.

But I don’t like the way this feeling is stifling my creative energies.

Be gone low energy edginess and anxiety. I do not like you and I do not have time for you.

 

 

It’s a good thing that I don’t drink.

I can only thank dumb luck that I don’t drink alcohol because if I did good ol’ Uncle Dan and I would have become very friendly over the past few days.

**For the uninitiated, of which I was until quite recently, Uncle Dan is my mother’s pet name for Dan Murphy’s Liquor Store.

Instead my battle is between good and evil. Good being fruit and evil being chocolate ……………..and not just a piece of chocolate, a whole block.

 

It is the time old struggle that women face when they are upset. Somehow we think that chocolate will make us feel better. And it does. But only for a little while. And then we hate ourselves because we then feel fat and that makes us miserable again, which only makes us want to feel that wonderful feeling we feel when we are eating chocolate ………….and so the cycle of pleasure and self-loathing continues.

You might ask why I am feeling so miserable that I would like to drown my sadness in a large block of smooth and creamy milk chocolate.  Really, it’s quite simple and it’s the reason most women turn to the comfort of chocolate ……..a man. It’s always a man.

But it is not a new man. It is the old one. The one with whom I screwed up big time.

I finally let go of the tiny piece of me that was hoping that things just might sort themselves out and I’ve been shocked and dismayed at the level of hurt I feel at this. It was like ending the relationship all over again. I want to have another good cry. I want to eat a huge block of chocolate. I want to watch soppy chick flicks. I want to hide away from the world for a few days.

I don’t want it to be real and I hate that it is now final.

But it is real and I made it real. I am the one who sent the final message of goodbye to a man who I felt so close to and who I think about every day. However, I knew that I couldn’t move forward while I still kept this connection and contact with him. I had to say goodbye for my own good.

Perhaps it is part of a New Year resolution that I wasn’t even aware that I was making. New Year, new start and all that crap.

But it hurts. And I wish it didn’t. And I don’t understand why it hurts so bad. For goodness sake it was eight months ago!! But every time my mind travels back to the time I spent with him…………. I’ve never known anything like it before in my life. I’m terrified that I’ll never feel anything that comes remotely close to it again.

So I will be good. I will have my bowl of mixed berries and hope that they quell the desire for the true comfort that only chocolate can bring the non-alcohol drinking, broken-hearted woman.

But I cannot guarantee that I won’t succumb to the call of the chocolate.

 

“Have courage and be kind.”

Everything happens for a reason. Be that thing a chance meeting, a love, a parting, a spoken phrase, a job, a windfall ………..or ridiculously enough………….a movie.

It is December 31, 2016. The final day of 2016. To many, a chance to right wrongs, to profess true love, to make plans for the future, to make promises to themselves and to reflect on what has gone before. To everyone else, December 31 is just another day on the calendar.

This year, it’s just another day on the calendar for me. I have already done my reflecting on the past 12 months. My reflection is out there in cyberspace via the wonder of blogging. The whole world knows that 2016 was a year of intense and dramatic highs and lows. I met a man who turned my world upside down and gave me hope in love and I fucked that up and spent the next few months trying to put my self-confidence back into some sort of order. (Still a work in progress) I went on photography adventures and met hundreds of fabulous people and discovered parts of my marvellous Melbourne and Victoria that I didn’t know existed. I took myself off to explore parts of Tasmania for a week. I went to see many wonderful live shows.

But through all this, one thing has been consistent this year. The messages from the universe.

They have taken many forms. There have been quotes that I’ve read, comments from friends and, more startling, comments from total strangers. There have been places I have visited, dreams I’ve had and movies I’ve watched.

The final message for me of 2016 came from a movie and it may very well become my mantra for the next 12 months at least. And it was a movie that I would never have expected to bring me insightful wisdom…..”Cinderella”. (Not the Disney animated version, but the live re-make)

“Have courage and be kind”

I don’t want anyone questioning why I was watching Cinderella on New Years Eve instead of being out at a BBQ or party with friends………or the very least out in the city, camera at the ready, preparing for the fireworks photos. Like I mentioned at the beginning, everything happens for a reason. I was clearly meant to be home tonight with the dogs watching Cinderella so that I was presented with this mantra.

2016 was a big year. It was a learning year. It was a year that presented me with the opportunities for growth that I needed. It was a shitty year emotionally. However, were I to write down all the good and bad that happened to me in 2016, the good would far outweigh the bad.

So I bid farewell to 2016 with a ceremonial burning. Thank you for what you have made me see.

Welcome to you 2017. All I can say to you is…………”Bring it on!!!!!!!”

R U ok??……….Yes, I am.

Yesterday was ‘R U ok?’ day. The day when you take a moment to check in on the person or people who you care about to make sure that they are doing alright. And by doing alright, I mean mentally.

I took a moment to check in on me.

And I am ok.  🙂

It is no secret that The Black Dog and I have waged a battle of wills this year. It was not pretty. As a matter of fact, it was pretty bloody horrible, but I have come out on top. I have looked The Black Dog in the eye and have stood my ground and I am the master of the beast.

I didn’t do it on my own though. I had help. It is nigh on impossible to conquer the beast on your own. You need family, friends, co-workers, bosses, doctors and mental health professionals to help. I am immensely fortunate to have all those resources at my disposal.

Spare a thought for those who don’t have a GP who knows them well or can’t afford a psychologist.

Spare a thought for those without family and friends who care.

Spare a thought for those who are unable to give those in need the time and dedication required to climb out of the darkness that The Black Dog brings to their world.

I thought of those people who are forced to struggle on their own.

I know I am very lucky. I am thankful every day for the people in my world who care.

Am I ok???? You bet I am.

 

Where have those last few days gone?

If you’ve begun to think that I had fallen off the face off the earth…………..you would almost be correct. But, no………… I have not fallen off the face of the earth, nor have I fallen victim to another attack by the Black Dog, and sadly, nor have I been kidnapped by the love of my life who has had me locked away for days as we ‘got to know each other’ intimately.

I have been off having fun!!!

I spent Sunday through to to Tuesday evening with a friend and a group of people from his 4WD club exploring a small section of this marvellous country that I live in.

Let me tell you, I can barely wipe the smile off  my face, because I had an absolutely brilliant time. I was a hell of a lot braver than I thought I’d be. We, or should I say my driver and I, negotiated some pretty gnarly terrain and I didn’t squeal once. (At least not in fear and terror) There were some inclines and sections that were described by the lead 4WD’s as being enough to ‘make your sphincter pucker’. Yet I remained as cool as a cucumber. This might have something to do with the fact that I was busy holding on tight to my camera and getting ready to jump out at the first opportunity to take photos.

When I awoke from an exhausted sleep on Wednesday I did discover a few muscles that I had previously been unaware of. Muscles in my legs and torso that I had obviously been using to hold myself upright in the passenger seat as we bounced, rolled and jumped along roads and tracks of every description were loudly complaining about their rude awakening into use. But this was a very small price to pay for the enjoyment of those previous few days.

I just can’t believe that I’ve never been to these places we visited before. I didn’t even know that there was a place called Mt Skene! I know Skenes Creek, which is on the Great Ocean Road, as I have been there many times, but Mt Skene?? And what about Mt Terrible? Sounds like a joke name, but it is a real mountain and it is also the place of some really amazing views.

I now, seriously, have the adventure bug. I want to go out again. My excitement levels are at an all time high because I have adventures coming up. Beechworth in a few weeks, then Tasmania in two months!!!! If I didn’t have to go to work to earn the wages that allow me to get out there into the big, wide world you wouldn’t see me for dust.

No more sitting around watching television for this little black duck. There’s a city, state and country to explore and I intend to explore it………. one way or the other and definitely with camera in hand.   🙂

 

 

Is there such a thing as having too much fun?

I commented on a fellow blogger’s post today with the phrase “Methinks you are having too much fun”, to which she replied “No such thing as too much fun.”

And as soon as I read her reply and sent back another response, I realised that I ‘was’ what I was responding with.

I know……that makes no sense.  I’ll try to make it clearer.

I replied to her reply with “I know!!! But people always want to stop other people from having fun. Why is that?” And as I was writing this to her I realised that my original comment was a typical, subtle way of saying that she should stop having fun. Unintentionally, I was a ‘poo poo head'(her term for fun killer)

Why is that?

What is it in the nature of human beings that insists that we chastise and criticise others for having fun and enjoyment in their lives? Are the majority of us so bloody miserable that we can’t stand to see others making the most of their time and opportunities?

I know that when I sent my original comment I was doing it jokingly, but I could so easily be read as a criticism. I might be more than a little envious of the photography fun that she is having, but I’d never want her to stop having fun. I know for damned sure that I’d be mightily annoyed with anyone who tried to suggest that I stop doing the things that I’m doing which make my world fun and happy. I want to be part of the fun that she is having. I want to lean what she is learning. I also want to have my own fun.

It has been suggested by certain folks who shall remain nameless, that I should spend more time at home doing ‘home’ stuff. I did that. I did that for years. And where did it get me? I had the perfect schedule. I had the tidy home. I had the manicured lawns. I had the empty washing and ironing baskets. I had the job…..the child……the husband. I still ended up as a divorce statistic and I still maintained the regime and I did ok.

But now………..

Now I am exploring my city and my state. Soon I will begin exploring other states. I am meeting incredible people who are creating opportunities for me to grow as a person. My 2016 has been awesome and I’ve got so much coming up I can hardly believe it. Since June I have been away to Portarlington, Nelson Bay and Hopetoun. This weekend I head off on a 4WD trip with a mate and his 4WD club. In a fortnight I’m off to Beechworth. In two months I head off on my own to Tasmania for a week.

I am having FUN.

There is still food in the fridge and pantry, the washing gets done, I clean the house when it needs it, I mow the lawns when they need it, I walk my dogs, I play in my garden when I feel the urge to do it, I see my son when he’s home, I go to work and I pay my bills. I have not shirked any of the responsibilities…… I merely attend to them when they need attending rather than on a strict schedule.

And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

The longer I live, the more I realise that I need to live.

Nobody is going to suffer if I don’t clean my bathroom every week on a Friday morning before 10am. The world will not stop turning if I haven’t done the grocery shopping on Wednesday afternoon. The neighbours will not be offended by the occasional weed in the garden.

I, however, will stagnate and age beyond my years if I do not continue the journey I have begun. I understand the importance of pacing myself so that I don’t burn out, but I cannot revert to my previous ways. I deserve to have fun. Everyone deserves to have fun. And everyone deserves the right to enjoy that fun without being scorned for it.

There is no such thing as having too much fun. Having fun means that you are alive………..and, by god, that’s a hell of a lot better than the alternative.