Made me ponder.

How incredible and terrifying to hear a 22 year old person say that the thing they were most proud of was the fact that they were still alive.

My heart stopped for a moment because I had, just moments before, watched this young person perform in front of a couple of hundred people so confidently and passionately.

This beautiful, passionate, creative, strong, dynamic and captivating being had almost given up on everything numerous times in their short life.

It breaks my heart to think that there are so many people who, after years of inner torment, decide that not ‘being’ is their only choice. Young or old, the agony of living is more than they can cope with.

I don’t know why, who or how the help needed arrived for this individual, I can only be grateful that it did because there were some wonderfully thought-provoking moments during the performance on Thursday night. These were moments that were made to be expressed by this artist. They were hers and hers alone.

So this is Xmas……….

T’was the night before the night before Xmas and I finally decided that I should make some token of effort for the festive season. It has been one of those years where the days have flashed by at warp-speed and my brain has only shifted into third gear. Therefore, my brain thinks that it is only August but the calendar tells me that tomorrow morning is Xmas Day.

I’m just not feeling it.

I have done the usual Xmas things purely because they are expected of me rather than me wanting to do them. I have baked the shortbread, I have worn the Xmas hat at work, I have attended the Xmas functions and events, I have written the annual Xmas card letter (as yet unposted) and I have wished people Merry Xmas………. but I’m not ‘feeling it’.

It’s not that I am in a depressed state of mind. On the contrary, I couldn’t be in a better head-space. To say that life is good would be an understatement of incredible proportions. Life IS good. I just don’t really care for Xmas this year.

Perhaps being out working and/or socialising and not being home has a lot to do with things. Why spend hours setting up and decorating a tree and the house if you’re not home to see it? #1 son is barely home to see Xmas decorations either and he didn’t offer help to set things up. No..I tell a lie…he did ‘offer’ he just never followed through with his offer.

However, be it an attack of the Xmas guilts, a sense that I was missing something or a feeling that if I decorated I might start to feel somewhat more festive, last night I made an effort and put up a few decorations before watching ‘Love Actually’ while I did the ironing. Not the big tree. I wavered but I didn’t totally surrender to the silliness!!

Tonight I will continue the saga of the ironing basket whilst watching Carols By Candlelight and don’t be surprised if you hear a rumour that I sang along. Who knows? By tomorrow I might be feeling all come over with Xmas cheer.

I doubt it, but Xmas is the time for miracles.

 

Was it really two years ago?

I honestly can’t believe how far my life has come in two years. From the depths of despair to being in love with life.

I am reminiscing a little bit because yesterday I drove to Lorne, on the magical Great Ocean Road, for the Sculpture Biennale. As you may have guessed, the Biennale is held every second year and in 2016 when I attended I was being consumed by a bout of depression that had just begun. I was in a really bad place.

I was a total mess and was doubting myself and my instincts. I had hurt me and someone I cared about deeply through my fears and insecurities and in turn that ate away at everything that was me and sent me into a sickeningly fast spiral of depression.

Yesterday I returned to Lorne a different person to the one who was there in 2016.

Yesterday, the Suzanne who walked from one end of the Lorne foreshore to the other (and back again) was a confident, happy, relaxed, smiling and positive Suzanne.

I will admit to a few nerves as the car sped closer to Lorne. There were more that a few “What if’s….?” vying for my mental attention, but they were soon dispelled as the magnificent day, my travelling companion and the incredible turquoise ocean beckoned my thoughts in other directions.

I’m lucky. I can sit here today and see how much my life has turned around in two years. My heart breaks for those for whom the spiral of depression is so bad they choose death over life. That was never an option to me. Not matter how terrible I felt, I still preferred the chance of hope and happiness. And I am full of hope and brimming with happiness right now. A tad pissed off that it has taken me till I am fifty to get to this point, but better late than never.

Today I am more than ready to walk up the steps and onto the stage that is my life.

 

 

Swings and roundabouts.

A lot can happen in a year.

One’s world can be turned upside down in an hour.

One day you can be experiencing the most incredible joy and less than a week later you can be in the grip of soul-destroying depression.

Easter 2016 was one I will not quickly forget. There are 8 weeks of 2016 that were the happiest I have ever known, but like the swing that goes up, the forces of nature must bring that swing back down and my world came crashing down with it. But like the swing, with enough momentum the swing does go up again, often higher than the first time.

I wouldn’t say that I am swinging higher than the last time I sat in the swing-seat, but I would suggest that there is a force giving my swing the momentum it needs to rise. Or have I swapped to the roundabout where something is pushing me with the energy to make me smile broadly as the world begins to blur with the speed at which I am travelling.

Because the world is a blur for me. Things are happening so quickly that I can barely keep up. Opportunities to expand and grow as a person and as a photographer have begun to knock at my door.

I have no choice but to buckle up and hold on for the ride.

Last Easter I thought I was about to embark on the journey of my life. Sadly that did not happen, but it did become the path from which my current journey evolved.

A path with no clearly defined lines. Lots of turns and changes of direction.

Like swings and roundabouts.

 

 

It’s all about seizing the moments

I cannot even begin to tell you about the week I have just had.

If anybody had said to me on Monday morning that I would be meeting incredible photographers and doing a nude model shoot in an abandoned building by the Sunday, I would have laughed in their face.

And to think that this time last year I was virtually a basket case, going through a debilitating bout of depression.

I don’t quite know where all this good fortune is coming from, but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. There is a reason for what is happening to me. It is not clear right now but I’m certain that the good-fortune angels will advise me in their own good time.

There is nothing for it, but to grab these moments and opportunities with both hands and to soak up the experiences and learning that will come from them.

What is it with March?

I think it’s related to the time of the year. Once again it is March and I sense an unease and edginess that I find very uncomfortable.

I got married in March. My marriage finally ended in March. I have been known to have total brain-fades and sign up on internet dating sites in March. I feel most alone in March. This time last year was the high before the incredible crash.

Why March?

Is it a post-Valentine’s Day hangover?

Is it the changing from Summer to Autumn?

Is it related to the marriage and the subsequent marriage failure?

At least I have been able to recognise it now for what it is. My seasonal ebb and flow. I see it, I acknowledge it and I refuse to be controlled by it.

I may feel like the puppy in the picture…………….moving forward but a bit unsure of everything around me and feeling nervous that I may get stomped on………..but I will push through it because this feeling will not last forever.

But I don’t like the way this feeling is stifling my creative energies.

Be gone low energy edginess and anxiety. I do not like you and I do not have time for you.

 

 

Time to join the real world again.

Even this tiny red spider seemed like he had better things on offer.

Somehow I have managed to avoid leaving my house for two and a half days. I’ve been in some kind of self-imposed isolation mode. I stayed home for New Years Eve to make sure that the dog I’m baby-sitting coped with the fireworks, which he did……. barely (He hid, trembling, in a corner of my bedroom with eyes filled with fear.) and I haven’t been out since.

I’ve slept, I’ve packed up Xmas decorations, I’ve walked the dogs, I’ve mopped the floors, I’ve done loads of washing, I’ve watched DVD’s and I’ve done all my ironing. I had a friend visit me yesterday, but still I had no reason to get in my car and go anywhere. I didn’t even get out of my pyjamas until 5pm today and only then because I had to feed the neighbour’s dogs and I thought that I should also walk my lot.

I feel as though there is a whole world of stuff happening out there without me and I want to be involved, but I want to do nothing.

So much for my 2017 mantra of “have courage and be fair”. I have somehow lost the courage to get out there. Temporarily, I’m sure. I’m certain that it all relates to the whole Xmas and New Year public holidays and weekends and odd work hours. I even thought today was Tuesday and went to put out the bins for the garbage collection. …….till I noticed that there were no other bins out on nature-strips.

I just feel odd. Not bad odd….just odd. Kinda like I could disappear for a month and no-one would have noticed that I was not around. Actually, #1 son would notice, but only because he would run out of clean underwear.

It’s a feeling like I should be on holiday, but I’m not, and I can’t. Feeling as though everyone I know has something wonderful and exciting happening in their lives and I’m in quarantine. I can look but I can’t join in.

Passing phase.

Just need to get back to normal hours, normal routine………normal life. But what IS normal anyway?? I don’t do ‘normal’. Not well, anyway.

The epiphany

On Tuesday I had an epiphany. It was pretty huge. Let’s just say that it was so profound that I had a pretty big sook.

 

epiphany

1. the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1–12).
2. a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization.

 

I’d love to share this epiphany with you, but I can’t. Not yet. I need time to process what this knowledge means to me and what it is going to mean for me. (Me………not sharing!! Me…..who let the whole world know that she was in the middle of a depressive episode back in April suddenly refuses to tell all!!)

You can rest assured that this is a good thing. I am not going to ‘take a long walk off a short pier’ or jump off of a cliff.  You can also be completely assured that my epiphany had no religious connotations. It was definitely a realization rather than a religious manifestation of any kind.

All I know is, I have a bit more soul-searching ahead of me. There will be some internal dialogues happening over the coming weeks and months. And when this epiphany has worked its magic…………..watch out world!!!  🙂

R U ok??……….Yes, I am.

Yesterday was ‘R U ok?’ day. The day when you take a moment to check in on the person or people who you care about to make sure that they are doing alright. And by doing alright, I mean mentally.

I took a moment to check in on me.

And I am ok.  🙂

It is no secret that The Black Dog and I have waged a battle of wills this year. It was not pretty. As a matter of fact, it was pretty bloody horrible, but I have come out on top. I have looked The Black Dog in the eye and have stood my ground and I am the master of the beast.

I didn’t do it on my own though. I had help. It is nigh on impossible to conquer the beast on your own. You need family, friends, co-workers, bosses, doctors and mental health professionals to help. I am immensely fortunate to have all those resources at my disposal.

Spare a thought for those who don’t have a GP who knows them well or can’t afford a psychologist.

Spare a thought for those without family and friends who care.

Spare a thought for those who are unable to give those in need the time and dedication required to climb out of the darkness that The Black Dog brings to their world.

I thought of those people who are forced to struggle on their own.

I know I am very lucky. I am thankful every day for the people in my world who care.

Am I ok???? You bet I am.

 

Where have those last few days gone?

If you’ve begun to think that I had fallen off the face off the earth…………..you would almost be correct. But, no………… I have not fallen off the face of the earth, nor have I fallen victim to another attack by the Black Dog, and sadly, nor have I been kidnapped by the love of my life who has had me locked away for days as we ‘got to know each other’ intimately.

I have been off having fun!!!

I spent Sunday through to to Tuesday evening with a friend and a group of people from his 4WD club exploring a small section of this marvellous country that I live in.

Let me tell you, I can barely wipe the smile off  my face, because I had an absolutely brilliant time. I was a hell of a lot braver than I thought I’d be. We, or should I say my driver and I, negotiated some pretty gnarly terrain and I didn’t squeal once. (At least not in fear and terror) There were some inclines and sections that were described by the lead 4WD’s as being enough to ‘make your sphincter pucker’. Yet I remained as cool as a cucumber. This might have something to do with the fact that I was busy holding on tight to my camera and getting ready to jump out at the first opportunity to take photos.

When I awoke from an exhausted sleep on Wednesday I did discover a few muscles that I had previously been unaware of. Muscles in my legs and torso that I had obviously been using to hold myself upright in the passenger seat as we bounced, rolled and jumped along roads and tracks of every description were loudly complaining about their rude awakening into use. But this was a very small price to pay for the enjoyment of those previous few days.

I just can’t believe that I’ve never been to these places we visited before. I didn’t even know that there was a place called Mt Skene! I know Skenes Creek, which is on the Great Ocean Road, as I have been there many times, but Mt Skene?? And what about Mt Terrible? Sounds like a joke name, but it is a real mountain and it is also the place of some really amazing views.

I now, seriously, have the adventure bug. I want to go out again. My excitement levels are at an all time high because I have adventures coming up. Beechworth in a few weeks, then Tasmania in two months!!!! If I didn’t have to go to work to earn the wages that allow me to get out there into the big, wide world you wouldn’t see me for dust.

No more sitting around watching television for this little black duck. There’s a city, state and country to explore and I intend to explore it………. one way or the other and definitely with camera in hand.   🙂